It's has been a while. These next few weeks are already haunting me and I haven't even began to reach those days yet. I am trying to keep my memory wall blocked from what happened last year, this week. I do not miss him, nor do I miss where I once lived and called that place home sweet home, because looking back, it wasn't. I escaped, alive and not physically abused when I finally walked out that back kitchen door.
It was this very week that we spent 2 weeks in North Carolina with another couple, who turned out to be friends from hell. It was this week, we got back to Michigan, and my ex began a turn around on me. Going out early, coming home late, searching porn sites, taking my gifts away from me that he bought for me including a brand new Trailblazer, our German Shepard dog , my digital camera, clothes, electronics, paperwork, and anything that he could take away from me. Ripping the house phone out of the wall and locking it up inside his gun room vault with the house computer, disconnecting the satellite tv from my minor son and I. Moving all of the furniture out of the house and into the garage, where I was forced to sleep on the bedroom floor with borrowed blankets from friends. Life was hell this week.
People do not ask me anymore why I never left him after the 1st year. They just knew. I am able to talk about it when asked. I knew he had a mental illness, just thought I would be a good person and take care of him, thats all. I had no idea he had an abusive background set aside from his PTSD. I learned the hard way. I was afraid to leave, and every time he apologized to me, I thought it wouldn't happen again. It did though. Over and over. I thought it would keep fixing itself and we would be alright.
I have never been so low at that point in my life. Everyone saw it but me. I am sorry I stayed with him. I am sorry he came home on his police shift with no underwear on, telling me had to take a fast shower and get back out on the road. I am sorry he chased the red head girl around the Township, calling her, stalking her employment, and telling me he wasn't doing so. I am sorry he would hit on girls right in front of me and then treat me like crap. I am sorry for mouthing off to him, becuase I felt I had to stand my ground some days while he was abusing his prescribed narcotics, and rum and Cokes. I am sorry for putting him first and my only son second. I am sorry I ever let him talk me into leaving all my family, friends, and jobs behind to be under his control.
I had no idea that I lived like that. Its like standing outside of my body looking at he and I, and the place that I once thought of was home, but he often reminded me that I was just a "guest" at times, and it was HIS home and not OURS. Whatever happens to him will not be as even comparable as to what he did to me, and my son.
I walked, and was looking back for a month after he evicted me, scared to death that I was alone and needed him back in my life... until I had a best friend take me in under his wing with his son, and he stood by me the entire summer, taking me to resorts and sand dunes, dealing with my moods and crying outbursts, and still stood by my side. He was patient enough that he still is my friend, and deeply cares for me. He showed me that there was more to life and that I would bounce back someday. He said I would learn to love again. And guess what? I did.
And did I mention my huge support from my family? They took my son and I in, and they went over and beyond being family, and made sure I was okay, with a roof over my head, and them dealing with my moodiness and outburts, and staying up all night crying until I couldn't breathe anymore and then hyperventilate into a brown paper sack. My parents are my everything.
Now my new love has to deal with some of my flashbacks and moments. Thank god he is understanding and he and I share everything! And no they are not good moments. But he loves me for me, and hasn't been mean to me, or hit me, or flirted with other women behind my back or in front of me. He treats me with respect, and I can feel his love even when he is not with me. He has given me so much love and trust, that I never knew a man like him even existed. We are so alike, and he is so patient with me. He cares for my son and my family.
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