What is Abuse?

I was given a book a few years ago from an organization called R.A.V.E. (Relief After Violent Encounter, Inc. (Clinton & Shiawassee Counties Domestic Violence task Force, (877) 952-RAVE/ www. ravecs.org.

I put it among my other piles of books and magazines that I would probably never read. Recently I was in my parents garage fishing through my still unopened moving boxes looking for another something that I just had to find. This happens occasionally to me. I think of something that I had from my past, and I make it my mission to find every excuse to drive 19 miles to my parents house to find it! 

Back Track:  When I moved to my parents house, I only kept the clothes I needed and left everything else untouched, scattered throughout my Dad's garage. I couldn't even go back into that garage because I was so affected from my break up that it hurt me to even look at those boxes that once were decorated in a place I called home.  Now I am beginning to venture in there, opening a few here and there, wanting to throw most of it to the curb! Soon enough, one day, I know I will be able to look at my belongings again, the way I used to. For now, I still find it hard to pull things out.  I recently opened my box of Starbucks mugs so I could have some decent coffee mugs in my cupboards. I had no issues with this, because I wasn't allowed to use them or have them on display. 

Fast Forward:  So a few days ago, I was back in the parents garage unpacking a few coffee mugs for my apartment. Inside my box was this book from RAVE. Again, I threw it in my bag of mugs I was going to take to my new place. I got home and made some coffee, so eager to use one of my Starbucks coffee mugs. I decided to cuddle up on my couch and open this RAVE book. I was in shock. I could not beleive that I was agreeing with myself that I was a "battered" woman who was deeply abused by the man whom my life revolved around.

So I am going to use excerpts from this book to reflect on what I have found myself saying YES to.

WHAT IS ABUSE?
"Abuse is about one person controlling another.  Abuse can be physical, emotional, and/or sexual.  It is usually a whole lot of different methods of control (ways that one person makes another do what he wants). "

"Many women do not think of themselves as "battered".  They don't see things their partner does to them as abusive, and they don't see them as a pattern.  Think about some of the following questions and use them to determine if you are being abused.  You don't have to answer "yes" to all of the questions to have been abused."

The questions with an asterisk next to it, and in bold, is what I encountered. This is the part of the book where I came uncontrollably emotional. I cried for a while.

Has your Partner ever:
* Hit you? Stangled? Slapped? Pushed? Bit? Burned? Grabbed?
* Threatened or harmed you with a weapon or object? Gun? Knife? Iron? Telephone? Belt?
* Caused bruises to you from being hit, held or squeezed?
* Given you a balck eye, cut lip, or broken tooth/broken bone from being attacked?
* Caused you to see a doctor because of an injury?
*Threatened to kill you?  Your children? Your friends?
Threatened to to hurt the children if you don't do what says?
*Stopped you from taking classes? Stopped you from getting a job?
*Stopped you from going to work, or shown up at work and abused or threatened you there?
* Hurt or kill pets?
Made you commit a crime?

Does Your Partner Ever:
* Take/keep your paycheck and give you little bit back, or make you ask for the money you need?
*Keep all of the money under his control? Not pay the bills?
* Not let you go places- Church, to visit friends and family?
*Not let you use the car? Take your keys or disable your car?
*Fight with, or call names at, or make it awful for your friends and family to visit you?
* Make you tell him where you have been  every minute? Make you write down what you've done all day?
* Say that no one would ever want you if you left? Tell you you're not a real woman?
* Accuse you of having sex with every man you meet, smile at, or talk to?
* Change what you want to do or plan to do because you're scared of his temper?
*Make you feel like you're walking on eggshells?
* Cause you to be afraid that if you leave he will kill you? Kill himself?
*Encourage you to drink too much?
*Make or force you to use drugs?
*Buy you liquor or drugs, if you are addicted to alcohol or other drugs? Stop you from going to meetings?
*Act sweet and loving after you have been hit? Apologize, buy you presents, cry and say it will never happen again?
*Want to have sex after an attack?
*Act like two totally different people?

Out of 28 of these bullet points, I made 20 of them! 

I have been put down, made to think I was crazy, was called several names, made to feel guilty, humiliated, watching him smash things, firing off rounds in his pistol, making threats, threatening suicide, treated me like a servant, and much much more hurtful things that I have endured. This is all I can blog right now. I am memerized by what I have wrote. Time to re-absorb this. Time for you my friend, to absorb all of this too. Remember, help is out there. Getting the strength to use it is another challenge.