Where Am I Going?

I wonder just that... Where am I going with my life? I'm 43 years old, and I still have no idea. I make personal goals and plans but I end up someplace else. Since this blog has originated, I've been thru 2 more somewhat serious relationships. The most recent one wasn't as hard to leave, because he cheated. The scariest part is being alone. You think being alone is a good thing, getting your life back on track. But it wasn't for me. I had so much "thinking time" that it placed me into some sort of depression. I sat on my couch, alone in my own place crying. I dislike being alone. I am the kind of woman who enjoys company and being in a relationship. I like having a "boyfriend" and a partner. I am not a needy person, but it's nice to feel loved and to love back in return.  I like to give love. There's nothing more satisfying than loving someone unconditionally and watching them appreciate it.

My recent Ex who cheated on me told me he fell out of love with me on March 1st 2015. Within 2 weeks I was packed and found a cute place less than a mile from his house, and directly across the street from my son's high school. I really do enjoy this small little farm town, a lot. I could see myself staying here until I die.  But reality kicked in and it's just that... A small town; meaning I would have to see that ex every single day.   I do not have family out here, and I have needed help a few times now. As soon as my son graduates, we will be moving closer to my home town.

On March 27th 2015 I was moved into my new place. I have to thank the ex for helping me move. I never seen him look happier.  Three days into moving in, my son dislocated his knee at school. Again, no one to turn too as I work 28 miles away. The ex had to help. I knew this was going to be a problem, but I am glad we opted for friends after we broke up. 

During my time of challenges, gas leaks, and loneliness, I was "friendly" pressured by a friend I have known for 16 years to get out of the house. He kept inviting me to several venues, in which I kept declining. He never gave up. This friend, Tony and I have always stayed in touch, and always helped each other out with relationships. One day in April he finally got me to meet him half way between the towns we lived in for a quick bite to eat. After all, we haven't seen each other in a long time.  I didn't back out this time. The dinner was great! We caught up on a few things and he was my listening friend. Like he always has been.  We parted ways after that meet. 

I was slowly coming out of my shell and didn't even know it.

In late June, early July, Tony had some surgery. I called him from work before and after his surgery to make sure he was okay. I guess you can say this was a pity call. 

The following weeks we would stay in touch by phone. With Tony being laid up from surgery, confined to his bed, I called to check up on him. I offered to drive down to his house so we could go to dinner. This was on August 8th 2015. He was moving slow and I felt very bad for him. We went to Sagebrush Cantina and had a great dinner. I actually ordered a watermelon margarita which was my first drink in a very long time. Tony and I were there nearly 3 hours just talking. It was as if we were closest of friends, able to pick up our conversation where we left off from the first time. When we left dinner that night, I drove back to my town with thoughts of him running thru my head. I never thought of Tony as attractive, as he was my true friend. I could never see it any other way. This guy was like my girlfriend who knew my deepest secrets. 

A few more phone calls later, and me agreeing to attend a get together at house, we started to grow fond of each other. Now 5.5 months later, we are dating. 

I told myself to never fall hard again. I did. And it wasn't supposed to be with my dear friend.  Things just happened. We allowed it to. No rushing, no pre "I'm going to get with him" we just let the pieces fall as they may. 

I was always fond of Tony, as he was with me. I'm glad this happened. 

One thing I always crave in my relationships is consistency. I feel to this day I still struggle to get that.  It's tough, when you get it at the beginning, and you write if off due to everyday life's issues getting in the way, but I think that can be crushed. I think everyone in their day can save 10 minutes of their time giving quality time to their partner. It's up to them and you to do it. I crave intimacy.  I mean, who doesn't? I am told by friends that I am in the honeymoon phase. I never believed it until recently. I wish I never got a taste of it, then to have it taken away after a few months. That's why I strive for consistency. Welcome to a relaxed relationship. I don't believe it. I think it can be avoided and I'm doing just that. 

I take each day as it comes. I do not have expectations anymore of how my day should go. When I do just that, I think I let myself down, because I have high expectations.  I don't question my new relationship, because I fear that it can crash.  I just appreciate what I do have and that it happens to be a dear friend of mine.  

I do need to start doing things for myself. I haven't been to the gun range in a long time. That is on my list for this spring. I may even join in on a league. 

I am going to start treating people as they treat me. I felt that I always have more, even if I didn't receive anything in return. I have since decided to back off.  I mean why should the other person deserve my attention or treat me poorly while I in return keep treating them with a high importance? 

So this is where I stand today. I feel I have grown in some ways, but I have cut back in other ways.  I feel I have a good heart, what's left of it. I have built walls, and allowed them to fall down a little, and building them back up again. 

All I want in life is to have a man who will stay as dedicated and honest as possible. It shouldn't have to be "work" for someone to do this. It should just come naturally. I think I may have this with Tony.  He appears dedicated. I have never seen him look at another woman yet. He is loyal to his friends and family. He has a son who I adore, and treat as if he is my own. 

My only worry is I have fallen hard for Tony. I have shaped my life around his. Only time will tell if he is the one for me, I am getting old. I actually think I want to re-marry again someday. I am looking to settle down. I am not looking for a few months of a fling. I know what I want.