Where Am I Going?

I wonder just that... Where am I going with my life? I'm 43 years old, and I still have no idea. I make personal goals and plans but I end up someplace else. Since this blog has originated, I've been thru 2 more somewhat serious relationships. The most recent one wasn't as hard to leave, because he cheated. The scariest part is being alone. You think being alone is a good thing, getting your life back on track. But it wasn't for me. I had so much "thinking time" that it placed me into some sort of depression. I sat on my couch, alone in my own place crying. I dislike being alone. I am the kind of woman who enjoys company and being in a relationship. I like having a "boyfriend" and a partner. I am not a needy person, but it's nice to feel loved and to love back in return.  I like to give love. There's nothing more satisfying than loving someone unconditionally and watching them appreciate it.

My recent Ex who cheated on me told me he fell out of love with me on March 1st 2015. Within 2 weeks I was packed and found a cute place less than a mile from his house, and directly across the street from my son's high school. I really do enjoy this small little farm town, a lot. I could see myself staying here until I die.  But reality kicked in and it's just that... A small town; meaning I would have to see that ex every single day.   I do not have family out here, and I have needed help a few times now. As soon as my son graduates, we will be moving closer to my home town.

On March 27th 2015 I was moved into my new place. I have to thank the ex for helping me move. I never seen him look happier.  Three days into moving in, my son dislocated his knee at school. Again, no one to turn too as I work 28 miles away. The ex had to help. I knew this was going to be a problem, but I am glad we opted for friends after we broke up. 

During my time of challenges, gas leaks, and loneliness, I was "friendly" pressured by a friend I have known for 16 years to get out of the house. He kept inviting me to several venues, in which I kept declining. He never gave up. This friend, Tony and I have always stayed in touch, and always helped each other out with relationships. One day in April he finally got me to meet him half way between the towns we lived in for a quick bite to eat. After all, we haven't seen each other in a long time.  I didn't back out this time. The dinner was great! We caught up on a few things and he was my listening friend. Like he always has been.  We parted ways after that meet. 

I was slowly coming out of my shell and didn't even know it.

In late June, early July, Tony had some surgery. I called him from work before and after his surgery to make sure he was okay. I guess you can say this was a pity call. 

The following weeks we would stay in touch by phone. With Tony being laid up from surgery, confined to his bed, I called to check up on him. I offered to drive down to his house so we could go to dinner. This was on August 8th 2015. He was moving slow and I felt very bad for him. We went to Sagebrush Cantina and had a great dinner. I actually ordered a watermelon margarita which was my first drink in a very long time. Tony and I were there nearly 3 hours just talking. It was as if we were closest of friends, able to pick up our conversation where we left off from the first time. When we left dinner that night, I drove back to my town with thoughts of him running thru my head. I never thought of Tony as attractive, as he was my true friend. I could never see it any other way. This guy was like my girlfriend who knew my deepest secrets. 

A few more phone calls later, and me agreeing to attend a get together at house, we started to grow fond of each other. Now 5.5 months later, we are dating. 

I told myself to never fall hard again. I did. And it wasn't supposed to be with my dear friend.  Things just happened. We allowed it to. No rushing, no pre "I'm going to get with him" we just let the pieces fall as they may. 

I was always fond of Tony, as he was with me. I'm glad this happened. 

One thing I always crave in my relationships is consistency. I feel to this day I still struggle to get that.  It's tough, when you get it at the beginning, and you write if off due to everyday life's issues getting in the way, but I think that can be crushed. I think everyone in their day can save 10 minutes of their time giving quality time to their partner. It's up to them and you to do it. I crave intimacy.  I mean, who doesn't? I am told by friends that I am in the honeymoon phase. I never believed it until recently. I wish I never got a taste of it, then to have it taken away after a few months. That's why I strive for consistency. Welcome to a relaxed relationship. I don't believe it. I think it can be avoided and I'm doing just that. 

I take each day as it comes. I do not have expectations anymore of how my day should go. When I do just that, I think I let myself down, because I have high expectations.  I don't question my new relationship, because I fear that it can crash.  I just appreciate what I do have and that it happens to be a dear friend of mine.  

I do need to start doing things for myself. I haven't been to the gun range in a long time. That is on my list for this spring. I may even join in on a league. 

I am going to start treating people as they treat me. I felt that I always have more, even if I didn't receive anything in return. I have since decided to back off.  I mean why should the other person deserve my attention or treat me poorly while I in return keep treating them with a high importance? 

So this is where I stand today. I feel I have grown in some ways, but I have cut back in other ways.  I feel I have a good heart, what's left of it. I have built walls, and allowed them to fall down a little, and building them back up again. 

All I want in life is to have a man who will stay as dedicated and honest as possible. It shouldn't have to be "work" for someone to do this. It should just come naturally. I think I may have this with Tony.  He appears dedicated. I have never seen him look at another woman yet. He is loyal to his friends and family. He has a son who I adore, and treat as if he is my own. 

My only worry is I have fallen hard for Tony. I have shaped my life around his. Only time will tell if he is the one for me, I am getting old. I actually think I want to re-marry again someday. I am looking to settle down. I am not looking for a few months of a fling. I know what I want.

Lisa Glock 17.MOV

Its Been A While...

It's has been a while. These next few weeks are already haunting me and I haven't even began to reach those days yet. I am trying to keep my memory wall blocked from what happened last year, this week. I do not miss him, nor do I miss where I once lived and called that place home sweet home, because looking back, it wasn't.  I escaped, alive and not physically abused when I finally walked out that back kitchen door.

It was this very week that we spent 2 weeks in North Carolina with another couple, who turned out to be friends from hell. It was this week, we got back to Michigan, and my ex began a turn around on me. Going out early, coming home late, searching porn sites, taking my gifts away from me that he bought for me including a brand new Trailblazer, our German Shepard dog , my digital camera, clothes, electronics, paperwork, and anything that he could take away from me. Ripping the house phone out of the wall and locking it up inside his gun room vault with the house computer, disconnecting the satellite tv from my minor son and I. Moving all of the furniture out of the house and into the garage, where I was forced to sleep on the bedroom floor with borrowed blankets from friends. Life was hell this week.

People do not ask me anymore why I never left him after the 1st year. They just knew. I am able to talk about it when asked. I knew he had a mental illness, just thought I would be a good person and take care of him, thats all. I had no idea he had an abusive background set aside from his PTSD. I learned the hard way.  I was afraid to leave, and every time he apologized to me, I thought it wouldn't happen again. It did though. Over and over. I thought it would keep fixing itself and we would be alright.

I have never been so low at that point in my life. Everyone saw it but me. I am sorry I stayed with him. I am sorry he came home on his police shift with no underwear on, telling me had to take a fast shower and get back out on the road. I am sorry he chased the red head girl around the Township, calling her, stalking her employment, and telling me he wasn't doing so. I am sorry he would hit on girls right in front of me and then treat me like crap. I am sorry for mouthing off to him, becuase I felt I had to stand my ground some days while he was abusing his prescribed narcotics, and rum and Cokes.  I am sorry for putting him first and my only son second.  I am sorry I ever let him talk me into leaving all my family, friends, and jobs behind to be under his control.

 I had no idea that I lived like that. Its like standing outside of my body looking at he and I, and the place that I once thought of was home, but he often reminded me that I was just a "guest" at times, and it was HIS home and not OURS. Whatever happens to him will not be as even comparable as to what he did to me, and my son.

I walked, and was looking back for a month after he evicted me, scared to death that I was alone and needed him back in my life... until I had a best friend take me in under his wing with his son, and he stood by me the entire summer, taking me to resorts and sand dunes, dealing with my moods and crying outbursts, and still stood by my side.  He was patient enough that he still is my friend, and deeply cares for me. He showed me that there was more to life and that I would bounce back someday. He said I would learn to love again. And guess what? I did.

And did I mention my huge support from my family? They took my son and I in, and they went over and beyond being family, and made sure I was okay, with a roof over my head, and them dealing with my moodiness and outburts, and staying up all night crying until I couldn't breathe anymore and then hyperventilate into a brown paper sack. My parents are my everything.

Now my new love has to deal with some of my flashbacks and moments. Thank god he is understanding and he and I share everything!  And no they are not good moments. But he loves me for me, and hasn't been mean to me, or hit me, or flirted with other women behind my back or in front of me. He  treats me with respect, and I can feel his love even when he is not with me. He has given me so much love and trust, that I never knew a man like him even existed. We are so alike, and he is so patient with me. He cares for my son and my family.

What is Abuse?

I was given a book a few years ago from an organization called R.A.V.E. (Relief After Violent Encounter, Inc. (Clinton & Shiawassee Counties Domestic Violence task Force, (877) 952-RAVE/ www. ravecs.org.

I put it among my other piles of books and magazines that I would probably never read. Recently I was in my parents garage fishing through my still unopened moving boxes looking for another something that I just had to find. This happens occasionally to me. I think of something that I had from my past, and I make it my mission to find every excuse to drive 19 miles to my parents house to find it! 

Back Track:  When I moved to my parents house, I only kept the clothes I needed and left everything else untouched, scattered throughout my Dad's garage. I couldn't even go back into that garage because I was so affected from my break up that it hurt me to even look at those boxes that once were decorated in a place I called home.  Now I am beginning to venture in there, opening a few here and there, wanting to throw most of it to the curb! Soon enough, one day, I know I will be able to look at my belongings again, the way I used to. For now, I still find it hard to pull things out.  I recently opened my box of Starbucks mugs so I could have some decent coffee mugs in my cupboards. I had no issues with this, because I wasn't allowed to use them or have them on display. 

Fast Forward:  So a few days ago, I was back in the parents garage unpacking a few coffee mugs for my apartment. Inside my box was this book from RAVE. Again, I threw it in my bag of mugs I was going to take to my new place. I got home and made some coffee, so eager to use one of my Starbucks coffee mugs. I decided to cuddle up on my couch and open this RAVE book. I was in shock. I could not beleive that I was agreeing with myself that I was a "battered" woman who was deeply abused by the man whom my life revolved around.

So I am going to use excerpts from this book to reflect on what I have found myself saying YES to.

WHAT IS ABUSE?
"Abuse is about one person controlling another.  Abuse can be physical, emotional, and/or sexual.  It is usually a whole lot of different methods of control (ways that one person makes another do what he wants). "

"Many women do not think of themselves as "battered".  They don't see things their partner does to them as abusive, and they don't see them as a pattern.  Think about some of the following questions and use them to determine if you are being abused.  You don't have to answer "yes" to all of the questions to have been abused."

The questions with an asterisk next to it, and in bold, is what I encountered. This is the part of the book where I came uncontrollably emotional. I cried for a while.

Has your Partner ever:
* Hit you? Stangled? Slapped? Pushed? Bit? Burned? Grabbed?
* Threatened or harmed you with a weapon or object? Gun? Knife? Iron? Telephone? Belt?
* Caused bruises to you from being hit, held or squeezed?
* Given you a balck eye, cut lip, or broken tooth/broken bone from being attacked?
* Caused you to see a doctor because of an injury?
*Threatened to kill you?  Your children? Your friends?
Threatened to to hurt the children if you don't do what says?
*Stopped you from taking classes? Stopped you from getting a job?
*Stopped you from going to work, or shown up at work and abused or threatened you there?
* Hurt or kill pets?
Made you commit a crime?

Does Your Partner Ever:
* Take/keep your paycheck and give you little bit back, or make you ask for the money you need?
*Keep all of the money under his control? Not pay the bills?
* Not let you go places- Church, to visit friends and family?
*Not let you use the car? Take your keys or disable your car?
*Fight with, or call names at, or make it awful for your friends and family to visit you?
* Make you tell him where you have been  every minute? Make you write down what you've done all day?
* Say that no one would ever want you if you left? Tell you you're not a real woman?
* Accuse you of having sex with every man you meet, smile at, or talk to?
* Change what you want to do or plan to do because you're scared of his temper?
*Make you feel like you're walking on eggshells?
* Cause you to be afraid that if you leave he will kill you? Kill himself?
*Encourage you to drink too much?
*Make or force you to use drugs?
*Buy you liquor or drugs, if you are addicted to alcohol or other drugs? Stop you from going to meetings?
*Act sweet and loving after you have been hit? Apologize, buy you presents, cry and say it will never happen again?
*Want to have sex after an attack?
*Act like two totally different people?

Out of 28 of these bullet points, I made 20 of them! 

I have been put down, made to think I was crazy, was called several names, made to feel guilty, humiliated, watching him smash things, firing off rounds in his pistol, making threats, threatening suicide, treated me like a servant, and much much more hurtful things that I have endured. This is all I can blog right now. I am memerized by what I have wrote. Time to re-absorb this. Time for you my friend, to absorb all of this too. Remember, help is out there. Getting the strength to use it is another challenge.

I Closed A Chapter In My Life.

I have always been sound with my decision making, and reaching my goals, even when others tried to disrupt them. But when you are under control of another, you have no idea that your life is changing right before your very eyes, yet you do not even see it. You never know when life is going to throw lemons at you.  That is what my ex did. So I took it and turned it into lemonade. 

My Ex suffers from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and is 100% mentally disabled through the Veterans Administration. I thought I could handle the ups and downs, but towards the end, I encountered more downs. I am no longer afraid to tell my family, friends, and co-workers that I was physically and emotionally abused during the last 3 years of my relationship.  They already knew.

I never understood how a woman could stay in such a relationship and I would get angry when I heard such a woman dealing with this. I always wondered why a woman couldn't just up and leave her abuser.  The sad thing is, I was one of them, and didn't think anything of it. I blamed the Army for my Ex's violence, PTSD, and his abuse. I recently found out that everyone pretty much knew what I was dealing with, they just played along with my cover-ups.  I will not go into details on what I went through, but I am pretty lucky to be alive now that I think about it. I was brainwashed, kept from family and friends, and was under a microscope 100% of the time. I believed everything my Ex said to me, follwed his rules, and took a lot of his faults and made them mine so he could keep up his perfect reputation to the public eye as well as his family. I did what I was told to do. No questions asked, and I certainly never challenged him.  I learned that the hard way.

A few Emergency room trips later, bullet holes throughout the house, and his many threats of suicide, I survived this all. People asked why I never called 911. How could I when he was a law enforcement officer, and the phone was always in his control? I am stronger now because of him, and so was my will to move on.

I hope to meet other women with similar situations as me, and hopefully one day help other women walk out of a relationship before it is too late. My Ex couldn't have done a better favor to me by evicting me from our home with my minor child (from previous marriage). He was gracious enough to allow me 31 days. I was out in 13. I call it determination. I finally felt it for once in my life.  Now I am moving on to a new life with my son, and I love my freedom. 

**** On my flip side, I thought I could never love another again, but that happened to me unexpectedly, and I have found happiness. There is someone out there for everyone, you have to take the chance and embrace it. Just go with it. Life has its ups and downs, and I certainly found a loving man who has given me the world and his unconditional love. I actually carry the feelings knowing how he feels about me, and I know he is deeply in love with me. Thats what every woman should feel. Her man's dedication to the relationship. I am so lucky he found me. I treasure our countless hours of conversations, and how he & I can express our feelings to each other with no hesitation. He loves me for me. And thats how I love him back.  This is a new year for me, with many great things to come. I feel it! I am going to journey a new life with him, and wherever the road may lead us, we'll take it! It can happen to you too. ****

Here are two links in Saginaw County I would like to share with you.  If anyone has any other links, please post them on my webpage so others may see them.

Child Abuse and Neglect Council of Saginaw Co the

1311 North Michigan Avenue, Saginaw, MI 48602-4733 (989) 752-7226 ‎

AND....

http://www.undergroundrailroadinc.org/

The Underground Railroad has a very useful website and they are also located on Twitter and facebook. I highly suggest looking at this page. I have utilized them twice, and the staff is extremely helpful and understanding.

I hope to meet other men and women that are victims of emotinal and physical abuse. I encountered more emotional than physical.  I am especially interested in meeting people with military backgrounds or had a spouse that suffers from PTSD.